


Never So Close

by Azar



Category: Firefly
Genre: F/M, Pre-Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-03-31
Updated: 2010-03-31
Packaged: 2017-10-08 13:23:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/76079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azar/pseuds/Azar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Why Inara left Sihnon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never So Close

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Jo for the beta!

She can't stay here.

Not when she could turn a corner one day and see him with her, the other, the one she had to give him up to.

Besides, if she was ever a candidate for House Priestess, she knows she isn't any longer. Her career has plateaued, all because of a foolish, emotional attachment that she thought had been trained out of her by the age of thirteen. She's flawed now. She lost control, and losing control--even for a moment--is unforgivable. She may be still fit to serve as a Companion, possibly even at a training house, but a position of leadership in the Guild is forever beyond her reach.

It's just as well. She has loved once, and part of her knows all the training in the world will never be able to close her heart again.

Nine months. Nine months they were together, which is nine months too long as far as the Guild is concerned, especially when there's no money involved. Nine months during which she often thought of Nandi, fantasized about taking him and running, making a place of her own far away from Sihnon and its rules as her friend did. But she's never lived without the protection of the Guild, isn't sure she could survive without it, especially on the Rim. Besides, the debt she owes them is too great to ever pay back with the earnings or the clientele of a common whore, for all the months they supported her while she wasn't working.

She can still feel the gentle pressure of his sleeping head upon her breast, feel the silk of his hair running through her fingers as it did when she stroked his head and listened in wonder to his even breathing, the last night she held him.

_"Inara? Inara, you know you can't keep him. A Companion's life has no place for a child."_

The truth of it stings, but then truth often does. What client would want a Companion with a child, a visible reminder that his ownership of her is only temporary at best? Or that the contraception she has promised will protect him from responsibility is not infallible? Someone in her life to whom his own needs and desires come second--no, she can be a mother or a Companion, but not both. And what is she if she is not a Companion? It's the only life she's ever known, the life she loves.

So, she holds him close one last time, whispers a name in his ear--hoping that some part of him will remember it no matter who he becomes--and gives him up.

The next day, she gets on the Cortex and begins looking for a ship with a shuttle to rent. A ship to take her far, far away from Sihnon and from her son.

Any ship will do.


End file.
